It's nights like these, days too, that I wish I could smoke without consequence. It looks like a fascinating form of meditation or a sort of self indulgent play of self pity. Would that I could, but I have asthma and wouldn't dare risk cancer, as I have three grown children that I have a duty to be around for. It doesn't dismiss the desire though. Maybe it makes it a bit more tempting, who knows.
I moved from my home town on my birthday this past Saturday. I moved an hour north of all that I've ever known to be with the man I love. My kids are grown but they are staying close to home when back room college. In fact they are staying with their father as their home base since I am gone. Side note- it kills me. You may be wondering, "then why did you move?" It was the only way I could stay with my beau, plus my kids aren't around much, so I would be without the man I love and quite alone had I stayed. It seemed an obvious decision to my therapist and my friends, and to my heart.
I am taking this move, the unpacking, the having no idea how to find the nearest bank, a Gap,TJ Maxx or book store in stride. We have no Whole foods or Trader Joe's here, but we do have farms and road side vegetable stands. The kinds where it says, be fair marked on a box with a slit in the top.Another sign reads- 25 cents- as the price of each luscious fruit or vege. They even sell pies. It boggles my mind and I can't tell whether I am happy about it or freaked out by the foreignness of the concept. Deep down, I know it's darn cute and refreshingly honest and simple. It speaks volumes about the new place I am trying to call home.
I am not working until September and the days are odd and somewhat depressing in the loneliness and lack of structure. No friends as of yet, I look forward to my man coming home from work and I do so love the newness of seeing him every night. It is a wonderful kind of comfortable as we eat dinner and cuddle up to The big C and Weeds. He was a champ and even sat through The Bachelorette.We hang pictures, laugh, brush our teeth together and he feels like family, like my home. And then the nagging of the missing pierces the bubble and I want to cry like a homesick kid at camp and run to my kids, to my old life. But it's gone, time took it and I have to let it go and move on, one foot in front of the other now. Ugh, I want to shoot the empty nest that I now have. Just watch it blow away from my memory.
Today, I found the bank, the post office and then I even braved the new super market. After I came back...'home'- and began to make home-made meatballs. (Oh, that was after I killed the giant sized Ants that are so big, you can hear them coming across the kitchen floor.They freak me out, I've gotta tell ya) Then I fixed the spaghetti sauce, yup, homemade. After that, I sat at the small kitchen table beside the large window, glanced through the local Newspaper for a few minutes and sulked, walked into my new living room and ate my loneliness into a nap. I've had better days, and I certainly have had far worse. But this disconnect is hard. Tomorrow is another long day and I'm afraid I've eaten through the chocolate in the freezer. Must find Wawa to fix that problem.
I've just taken a pain killer, my bipolar meds, anxiety meds and 4 Advil for a massive headache. It's a Judy Garland kind of evening I'm afraid. My beau sleeps in the room next, happily snoring away. I envy him that. I envy much that he has right now and I am thankful too that he has been so tender and aware of my being lost and a bit anxious. He checks in during the day and rubs my back at night. I see his happiness at my being here and that seems to be a sign that this was the right move.
I hope to get the courage up to hit a yoga class, go to a book club and hope for a new friend. For that is what I so need right now. I great friend, that lives here. All of my friends are scattered about the country.
I hope I have chosen a road that will bring me joy and one that keeps my kids close.
Yup, camp is hard...thanks for reading my letter. Wish I could say we had a good day swimming the lake, learning archery and that I have a cool new friend named Katie.
Please send a care package.
Love, me
I moved from my home town on my birthday this past Saturday. I moved an hour north of all that I've ever known to be with the man I love. My kids are grown but they are staying close to home when back room college. In fact they are staying with their father as their home base since I am gone. Side note- it kills me. You may be wondering, "then why did you move?" It was the only way I could stay with my beau, plus my kids aren't around much, so I would be without the man I love and quite alone had I stayed. It seemed an obvious decision to my therapist and my friends, and to my heart.
I am taking this move, the unpacking, the having no idea how to find the nearest bank, a Gap,TJ Maxx or book store in stride. We have no Whole foods or Trader Joe's here, but we do have farms and road side vegetable stands. The kinds where it says, be fair marked on a box with a slit in the top.Another sign reads- 25 cents- as the price of each luscious fruit or vege. They even sell pies. It boggles my mind and I can't tell whether I am happy about it or freaked out by the foreignness of the concept. Deep down, I know it's darn cute and refreshingly honest and simple. It speaks volumes about the new place I am trying to call home.
I am not working until September and the days are odd and somewhat depressing in the loneliness and lack of structure. No friends as of yet, I look forward to my man coming home from work and I do so love the newness of seeing him every night. It is a wonderful kind of comfortable as we eat dinner and cuddle up to The big C and Weeds. He was a champ and even sat through The Bachelorette.We hang pictures, laugh, brush our teeth together and he feels like family, like my home. And then the nagging of the missing pierces the bubble and I want to cry like a homesick kid at camp and run to my kids, to my old life. But it's gone, time took it and I have to let it go and move on, one foot in front of the other now. Ugh, I want to shoot the empty nest that I now have. Just watch it blow away from my memory.
Today, I found the bank, the post office and then I even braved the new super market. After I came back...'home'- and began to make home-made meatballs. (Oh, that was after I killed the giant sized Ants that are so big, you can hear them coming across the kitchen floor.They freak me out, I've gotta tell ya) Then I fixed the spaghetti sauce, yup, homemade. After that, I sat at the small kitchen table beside the large window, glanced through the local Newspaper for a few minutes and sulked, walked into my new living room and ate my loneliness into a nap. I've had better days, and I certainly have had far worse. But this disconnect is hard. Tomorrow is another long day and I'm afraid I've eaten through the chocolate in the freezer. Must find Wawa to fix that problem.
I've just taken a pain killer, my bipolar meds, anxiety meds and 4 Advil for a massive headache. It's a Judy Garland kind of evening I'm afraid. My beau sleeps in the room next, happily snoring away. I envy him that. I envy much that he has right now and I am thankful too that he has been so tender and aware of my being lost and a bit anxious. He checks in during the day and rubs my back at night. I see his happiness at my being here and that seems to be a sign that this was the right move.
I hope to get the courage up to hit a yoga class, go to a book club and hope for a new friend. For that is what I so need right now. I great friend, that lives here. All of my friends are scattered about the country.
I hope I have chosen a road that will bring me joy and one that keeps my kids close.
Yup, camp is hard...thanks for reading my letter. Wish I could say we had a good day swimming the lake, learning archery and that I have a cool new friend named Katie.
Please send a care package.
Love, me
Dear Tara,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, keep writing! It is great therapy and you have a gift that we all get to open and enjoy each time you share it!
Because Matt & Caroline both have friends that live around there, I often drive by your old house. Despite many intentions, I never had or took the time to spontaneously visit while you still lived here and for that I am truly sorry! Somehow just knowing you were there coupled with the twinkling porch lights made me smile. I'm sure your new home has or will have the same level of comfort and positive energy that you bring to it! You make a cozy nest even if the baby birds have flown away. Your new locale sounds truly charming!
This past weekend, despite my still ailing foot, we moved Alexandra into her apartment downtown. She is now a full time nurse in the ICU at Jefferson. She is not far, but she is on her own and that is how it should be. Still her empty closet makes me sigh. We move Matt into Temple on the 25th, so we will, for the most part, be down to one kid at home. There are long stretches of deafening silence in our home these days, and I struggle to remember when I prayed for some "peace and quiet!"
As happy as I am for this next chapter, being the kind of invested moms that we are, it is hard to reinvent ourselves and change our way of thinking to focus on ourselves. It simply does not come naturally to us.
For me, with a much older husband, I look to the future with more fear than anticipation.I hate the anxiety that comes with trying to get a handle on the unknown, so I force myself to focus on what I find joy in...the sunflowers blooming outside my kitchen window from the seed packet that my daughter gave me on Mother's Day...the sound of Caroline's voice as she sings along to her Ipod. I will have to do more when school starts. I simply crave peace of mind rather than peace and quiet now.
You and your man are good together and I am really happy that you have found someone to love who nurtures you the way he does. You deserve that.
I know you will make new friends soon. Maybe not in Whole Foods or in the cereal aisle in Genuardi's, but you are the kind of person people gravitate towards. Just another one of your many gifts!
I hope your kids are happy and healthy.I hope your love remains true and strong. I hope you find joy in every little discovery you make on this new journey. You are blessed...and you are missed! I will blow a kiss next time I drive up Lowry's Lane. Let me know if you feel it!
xoxo
Vicky S.
Drop in on Casey at Villagio if she hasn't left for New Zealand yet, tell her yer sitch and see if she can introduce you to any of her like-minded, open-minded friends. And Susan Werner will be singing just up the road in a month or two and she's probably dated people in Lahaska you could be friends with. Er, with whom you could be friends.
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