dismantled

So I'm five, and I know, from that day forward, exactly what I want and what it looks like. I want to be a mother and a wife and I want a big family, offering up heaps of safety. I got a big part of it, alas divorce arrived when my three wee ones were all under 5, so I took a deep breathe and did it alone - not part of the five year old perspective. Lots of hard work, lots of magical loving years; with a closeness I'd never imagined and a love one can only know after having children. You can never imagine loving something so much that it feels as though your heart is now beating outside of your chest, vulnerable and exposed and fragile beyond words. You watch them sleep and you cannot imagine them grown-up, let alone, leaving and moving on into their own life...leaving you behind. You're so happy for them, excited as you remember how it was for you, and yet the pit, the sinking abyss keeps swallowing you up into a place that feels unsurvivavble, at least for me.

I don't think this would be as hard if the rest of my life was sure, steady and peaceful. Nope, instead, I have every one of the top 5 life stressers happening, and I'm kind of unraveling in its midst. I am starting a new job, I just sold my house (kids heart-broken, but I had no choice) and have no idea where I'm moving. My daughter/best friend, just moved into the city, my youngest leaves in August for college(leaving me as an empty nester) and I have to put my Mastiff down soon. This will devastate my children. I thought that when my kids left, I'd be married and that the comfort of a husband would soften the blow. My beau lives an hour away, and I can either remain seeing him several times a month or move there, leaving my kids far from their lives here when they are on break from college,and leaving my daughter upset that I've moved.

Dismantled, my life has just been, all at once, completely undone and left unrecognizable. I'm terrified and feel like someone has died. It's a toss up between, throwing up or surving another anxiety attack. Oh, let's not forget depression rearing its ugly head. Shoot me please, keeps running through my mind...

Last night I had a very surreal shared time with my x-husband, my daughter and my boyfriend, while soaking in my daughter's first moments in her apt, the echo of our voices and the smell of fresh paint in the air. I drove home deflated and exhausted, still wondering how I ended up at this point in time.

How do we go on in our lives with so much change and fear and pain?... How do we get to the other side, when the thought of doing the dishes seems so daunting? See the shrink, up the med's,..write a blog, cry off and on like a menopausal woman,which by the way, can be added to the list of hell. peri-menopausal symptoms all tied up in a bow, pretty and new upon my door step! I would like to drown in chocolate and sleep, but my mind offers no space for sweet dreams as an escape, and I can afford no extra ass at this time. My boyfriend listens and offers hugs and tissues, at a loss for a way to make it better. Breathe, cry, feel all the ache, the lost feelings, and hope that I will feel happy again. Hope that I can keep putting on the brave face each day for the outside world, and pray that my kids will forgive all that I have let slip away from us this year, including me, if I move an hour away from a town I have lived in my entire life. The five year old is back, she is here and she is in a puddle of despair. This is my today...